“I Crave Intimacy but I’m Scared of It”: Understanding Disorganised Attachment
- eveweijialim
- Jun 9
- 3 min read
You long for closeness. You want to be seen, known, held — emotionally or physically. But the moment someone gets too close, your body tenses, your mind doubts, and your instinct is to pull away or shut down.
Sound familiar?
This confusing experience — wanting love yet fearing it — is often linked to what's known as a disorganised attachment style.
What Is Disorganised Attachment?
Disorganised attachment typically forms in early relationships where a caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear. This could be due to trauma, emotional unpredictability, neglect, or situations where the child’s needs were consistently unmet or invalidated.
The result? The inner system becomes torn between two conflicting needs:
“Come close — I need you.”
“Stay away — you’ll hurt me.”
This can follow us into adulthood and show up in intimate relationships, friendships, even in therapy.
Common Signs of Disorganised Attachment in Adults
Intense longing for intimacy, yet discomfort when others get emotionally close
Fear of being abandoned and fear of being smothered
Difficulty trusting others' intentions
Sabotaging relationships that feel “too good” or “too safe”
Feeling unsafe being emotionally vulnerable
Swinging between clinging and pushing people away
A deep sense of shame or unworthiness of love
If you recognise these in yourself, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system has been trying to survive under confusing conditions.
“Why Am I Like This?”
When early experiences taught you that love is inconsistent, conditional, or unsafe, your body learned to stay on high alert. You may now associate intimacy with pain, loss, or betrayal — even if you're with someone safe.
This isn’t something you chose. It’s something that was shaped in you, often before you had words to explain it.
Can This Be Healed?
Yes. Absolutely. While attachment styles can be deeply ingrained, they’re not fixed. Through awareness, self-compassion, and safe relationships (including therapy), your system can begin to rewire.
Here’s how healing may look:
1. Name the Pattern
Bringing awareness to your attachment wounds is a powerful first step. When you notice the urge to pull away or panic after closeness, pause and gently ask:
“Is this fear from now — or fear from then?”
2. Feel Without Judging
You might feel needy, defensive, ashamed, or numb. These are all adaptive responses from a time when your needs weren't consistently met. Validating those emotions softens their intensity.
3. Practise Safe Closeness
Start with relationships where you feel emotionally safe. It may be a therapist, a trusted friend, or even yourself. Letting someone see you — even a little — and staying regulated through it, slowly builds tolerance for intimacy.
4. Explore Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Therapy is a powerful approach grounded in attachment science. EFT helps individuals and couples understand and reshape the emotional patterns that block connection. In a safe therapeutic space, EFT allows you to:
Identify protective patterns rooted in early fear
Access and express core attachment needs
Experience new, healing emotional responses
Build secure, responsive relationships
It’s not about fixing you — it’s about reconnecting with the parts of you that have always longed for safe love.
5. Repair Over Time
You may still have moments of fear, withdrawal, or self-sabotage. That’s okay. Healing isn’t about becoming perfect — it’s about repairing with intention. The goal is not to avoid triggers, but to develop the capacity to stay present through them.
A Final Word
It makes sense that you're scared. Your body is doing its best to protect you from pain it once knew too well.
But you deserve real, safe, nourishing connection. You deserve to be held — not just in someone’s arms, but in emotional safety. And it is possible. Gently. Slowly. Together.
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