“If I Don’t Push Myself, I’ll Fall Apart” — When Self-Criticism Becomes a Way of Life
- eveweijialim
- Jul 7
- 3 min read
“I’m not trying hard enough.”
“I should have done better.”
“You’re so lazy—no wonder you’re stuck.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us grow up believing that the only way to be “better” is to be harder on ourselves.
We confuse self-punishment with self-discipline. We confuse self-loathing with self-awareness. We confuse being “realistic” with being relentlessly critical. And in some ways—it worked. That inner critic kept you going. It pushed you to survive, achieve, or stay on track.
But at what cost?
When Motivation Is Rooted in Fear
Self-criticism often comes from a deep desire to be good, to do better, to not repeat the past. But the voice that says “try harder” is often not your own. It’s an echo of something you once internalised—maybe from a parent, teacher, culture, or community that equated worth with performance.
It might sound like:
“If I make a mistake, I’ll be rejected.”
“If I’m not hard on myself, I’ll become useless.”
“If I feel okay about myself, I’ll lose my edge.”
These beliefs can drive success—but they rarely lead to peace.Instead, they create a cycle of pressure, burnout, guilt, and the gnawing sense that you’re never enough.
The Illusion of Control
For some, self-punishment is a way to stay safe.
“If I criticise myself first, no one else can hurt me.” “If I’m already blaming myself, I can prevent worse outcomes.” “If I constantly scan for flaws, I’ll stay ahead of failure.”
In psychology, we call this survivor logic. It often develops in people who grew up in environments where love was conditional, or where mistakes had real emotional consequences.
You learned to manage danger by shrinking, correcting, anticipating—and punishing yourself before others could. But here’s the truth: Self-punishment isn’t self-protection. It’s self-abandonment in disguise.
What If You Don’t Need to Be Fixed?
This might sound radical—but what if you don’t need to be “fixed” to be worthy of kindness? What if growth doesn’t require cruelty?
The parts of you that criticise, panic, or over-function are trying to help. But they don’t have to be the only voices you listen to. You can learn to motivate yourself from a place of care instead of fear.
Self-compassion isn’t about “letting yourself off the hook.” It’s about giving yourself the safety and respect you need to actually grow.
You can say:
“I want to do better because I deserve good things—not because I’m worthless now.”
“This is hard, and I’m allowed to struggle without punishing myself.”
“I’m human, not a machine. Growth includes rest, mistakes, and grace.”
In Therapy, This Comes Up A Lot
As a therapist, I often meet high-functioning, self-aware individuals who seem put-together on the outside, but carry deep self-hatred inside. When we slow things down and look closely, there’s usually grief under the criticism. And tenderness under the anger.
Many were never taught how to love themselves without conditions.
They only knew how to survive by being “useful,” “perfect,” or “invisible.”
But healing begins when we ask:
What if I don’t have to hurt to grow?
A Different Way Is Possible
If you’ve spent your whole life driving yourself with criticism, I want you to know: there is another way. It doesn’t erase your ambition or make you soft. It just makes you whole.
You can grow with gentleness. You can change with dignity.You can improve without turning against yourself.
And if that feels unfamiliar—it’s okay. Most of us need help learning how.
You are not lazy. You are tired. You are not failing. You are learning. You are not broken. You are becoming.
If you’d like support in untangling these patterns, I’m here. Whether it’s burnout, trauma, or just the quiet ache of never feeling “enough,” you don’t have to face it alone.
Let’s talk.
by Eve Lim
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